Hi there!! I’m really excited to share my personal motherhood story and my experiences. When I saw Victoria posted that she was looking for mother’s experiences I felt inclined to share just because I know everyone’s stories are so very different and our experiences change with every moment. I also don’t really get the chance to share my motherhood experience with my followers or friends because I keep that so private, so I thought this would be a great chance to step out of my comfort zone.
Let me start my introducing myself! My name is Kristy and I am a mother of two beautiful girls. They are now both in elementary school, and I have now begun thinking about baby number 3, and what that looks like for us and when that might come and how to prepare. So when I think of that I’m always thinking about how it all started and how I got here, and how I can make my next journey a much more positive experience! What I mean by that is, my experience of motherhood has had so many ups and downs that starting a new journey is slightly scary for me if I’m being honest.
My motherhood journey started when I was 23. I had married at 21, and after only 2 years of marriage and holding a friends new infant I was struck with baby fever and this deep, deep urge to procreate. I was still really young, and probably not as familiar with babies as I had thought I was. I did very little thinking into the future of my baby dreams and focused very much on infancy. “ I’m going to have this baby and feel complete!” Is something I truly believed. Once it was in my head to conceive I really became obsessed with it and with that (and being super young and apparently really fertile haha) a baby came quickly!!
The moment I started feeling like I was pregnant, I was honestly happier than I had ever been, but I instantly realized I was in for it, and there was no going back! I had a lot to learn very quickly. The next 9 months I read every book, every article, I charted every movement, I had the “baby is a size of a ____..” website I was looking at every day. I was so invested in knowing what the perfect mother should be and look like. However, my finances weren’t in order… I had just moved out of my apartment back home to save money, but the job I was working in was with kids who had behavioral issues and couldn’t control the urge to hit and kick, so I left my job much earlier than expected. I struggled with personal issues during my pregnancy, and lots of marital issues arose.. but I still felt very good about motherhood and my abilities and my pregnancy. Little did I know my obsession with trying to be perfect would turn into a burden of having to do it all. Once baby came I was really good at keeping everything together. I was micro managing every movement of present and future, every nap, feeding, and play time. I wouldn’t let baby have sugar or glance in the direction of the tv, or use a binky or a bottle. The crib was completely clear of everything except a sheet, I was weary of jarred baby food and plastic toys. I baby wore constantly, and didn’t leave the house most days as to not disturb routine. I HATED when anyone touched my baby. I was overwhelmed but I had to do it all myself or it was not done correctly. I didn’t want people spending time with my baby or my family bonding with her. I just wanted the two of us in this safe perfect bubble I created, until it completely drove me mad.
I remember one day the house got so dirty I had no choice but to spend all day cleaning. My baby stuck to my hip as usual wanted no part of cleaning. The plan was for the baby to go with her other grandma for an hour or two while I caught up on housework. When the time came for her to go, (I think first time without me too) I lost it. I mean, hand and knees to floor lost it. Scream crying, the works… I just had become so dependent on this little sweet baby for comfort that I couldn’t even let her go visit family without me, without crumbling apart. I called my mom scream crying so she came to help. She cleaned. I cried. The whole two hours…
That became a glimpse into my future and it would eventually all make sense.
Baby number two came 21 months later. This time I was much more relaxed and forgiving. I made her routines easier, I spent less time binding my body to hers, I put her in her crib starting day 1… and unfortunately I ran out of milk very soon so even breastfeeding ended quicker than I would’ve liked.
Those factors led me to a deep depression.
I felt like I fell off the mom wagon. Why wasn’t I doing it right anymore?! Why am I so lazy, and why am I not bonding as much? I remember being in the hospital sobbing after I had her because I had to be away from my other child. So much so that the staff noticed I was too focused on that and not enough on my new baby.
Over a few months I became increasingly unhappy with myself and irritated more, and angry at times. Things I thought were fun suddenly were annoying to me, doing it all myself made me feel resentful to everyone around me. Having to wake up every two hours for the last few years started catching up with me and made me a little loopy. I was feeling like I was not myself. One night I was up with her for hours. I was scared she would wake up the other kid and I’d never sleep that night. I remember her laughing and immediately getting mad…. at my baby?!?!?! I knew I had an issue right then and there.
The next day I called my doctor and went in soon after. I had to fill out one of the post partum questionnaires and failing. After going over the sheet and my doctor asking some more questions about how I was feeling, I told her all about the need to do it myself, and the control and my slight anger building and not wanting my kids to bond with anyone else. I then told her how I got mad when she was laughing the other night and I was so tired I couldn’t bare it so I got more mad, and while I was telling her I just started bawling. Inconsolable. She put her hand on my shoulder and asked if I had ever hit them. I looked at her so confused like, “what the hell?! Of course I haven’t why would you say that?!” She said “because honey you have post partum depression.”
Talk about a knife to the chest.
I never expected it. It just crept up on me. I thought I could do it all. I thought I could be super mom x4. I thought I had to be perfect. That obsession led me to a deep dark path that eventually became my downfall, and I feel right into the lap of ppd.
It took (and still to this day takes) a lot of work to get out of that black hole. She prescribed me meds immediately which I was always very against but at that point I had no choice. I had to continue to go back and check in and at least twice those meds had to be upped in dosage. I felt so helpless. As time went on it got better but I felt numb. I felt myself becoming a routine and not feeling mad or sad anymore but also not happy either. After a while of taking meds I made a personal choice to stop. (Which you should never do and I didn’t know any better at the time 😣 so always consult your doctor when making big choices like that!)
It took some time and personal adjustments and relinquishing some control, with the help of my mom babysitting and some much needed therapy sessions. Eventually, I got it under control. But I always wondered if I continued my meds if it would’ve cleared up completely. To this day I struggle with it and I am still in therapy and managing my anxiety and depression without medication. The lesson of this story is, yes be the best mom you can be always, but don’t be fooled by the masque of “perfection”. It’s not real. The baby books are a guide not a how-to. Motherhood is a journey with ebbs and flows, but it should not be all consuming. It should not make you feel inferior to do things differently than other moms, or make your own choices, or steer away from the book! Just go with the flow and always try your best. As long as those babies are loved and healthy and they know they are loved, the rest is nonsense.
If you feel like something is off with yourself, talk to someone! A doctor, a friend, a parent or family member. Tell them how you feel, ask if they notice any changes in your demeanor. PPD generally is taught that it shows up as neglectfulness toward children, but I learned it can show up as just the opposite. Overbearing and all consuming desire to take care of it all and be the best are also symptoms of post partum, as well as a mixture of both. It’s likely I had it with my first child and left untreated, it became worse with my second. It’s ok to not be well. It’s ok to not know what to do. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to do whatever it is you need to do just to get through the day so that baby knows it’s got a momma who’s just trying their damn best.
Your best is not my best, my best is not yours.
Your best is good enough. ❤️
Beautifully written by: Kristy Stearns
